The day after my 18th birthday I peed on a stick for the first time in my life. Sitting there, in a tiny half bath at my boyfriend’s house, I was peeing and thinking, everyone has a scare- this is my scare. I put the cap on, flushed the toilet, tucked the stick in the waistline of my pants, washed my hands and went back down to the basement so we could look at the results together.
Positive. Shit.
That instant, my life changed… instead of heading to college in August, I would be heading to parenting classes. Obviously, this was not exactly how I had planned my future, nor my parents plan for me, but I embraced it. I never questioned what should be done or how, I just did what I should do, to the best of my ability.
Being a teen mom shaped me, but I never allowed it to define me.
Refusing to be a statistic, I strived to be independent, educated and responsible. I feel like I succeeded.
However, no matter how successful I became or strong, smart or loving I was, my son was born with the genetics to be an addict. Addiction runs on both sides of our family. I never realized how that truly impacted us. We never discussed it, never crossed my mind! In my head, if I raised him right, we would not have any problems.
Now it is obvious, I did not understand addiction at all. Being raised in the “Just Say No” era, I believed drugs were bad, and the people who did drugs are bad. I did not hang out with “those kind” of people. Oh, and I thought drinking too much was not an issue unless you got DUI’s or beat your wife.
Seriously, my perception of addiction was far from the truth. Yes, drugs are bad and getting worse every day with the introduction of fentanyl in recent years. But people who have the disease of addiction, are some of the strongest people I know. Unfortunately, they have an illness our society is afraid of- I was terrified of it.
My close minded, “Just Say No” era thinking was passed onto Alec without knowing what harm I was doing in the long run. Believe it or not, the way I viewed addicts as I raised him, showed him what I thought of him when he became an addict. More than likely, it fostered his shame of his addiction.
Beginning at a very young age, our children see and hear everything we do. They learn how to treat people. They learn how to treat themselves.
As parents, our views of ourselves and others shape their views of themselves and others.
When our kiddos are little, we have no idea what path God has intended for them… I promise you I did not foresee the path Alec had in front of him, or me for that matter. I was planning for him to be a preppy, soccer player… Khaki pants, polo shirts and yes, even a sweater vest on picture days! Then one day he chose who he wanted to be… an eccentric skateboarding musician.
What if when he was ages 3-10, I continually said, “people who played the guitar are stupid?” Then, when he was a teenager, he fell in love with playing guitar and was good. He could think, my mom says only stupid people play the guitar. I must be stupid. Bad example, because we all know guys who play the guitar are super cool… the point is, we teach our children beliefs about themselves before they know who they are- indirectly.
We learn stereotypes about our future selves before we get to be the person we are to be.
As a mother, I directly spoke words of positivity and affirmation into Alec often as most moms do. “That is a great painting you did in art class today; you are so creative!” “I saw you share your toy; you are such a good friend.” or “You are so smart because you got an ‘A’ on the test”, as I was hanging it on the fridge for display.
Now, I fear I spoke words of shame into him, indirectly. For example, only telling him he was smart when he made “A’s”, may have done more damage than good. He was so smart, but his academic grades did not reflect his intelligence. Our schools harp on good grades, so the ones, like Alec who did not make honor roll often feel less than.
Looking back, who knows what I said about addicts around him? It hurts my heart that I, the one who loved him most, could have indirectly fostered his shame and negative, self-image for having an addiction. Did he feel he was weak or lazy because he could not “just stop”? Think about how long it takes to build someone’s beliefs, it takes longer to unteach something… IF you even can. Some people can never unpack that stigma.
The day I peed on that stick- my life took a different path than what I imagined. I refused to give in to “my stigma” of a teen mom. The day my son Alec went to live with Jesus- again my life took another, harder path than what I imagined my life should look like. Again, I refuse to give up or give in.
Our community needs to learn about the disease of addiction, the people who suffer from it and the part we all play in it. I am not taking the pressure off the addict; they need to own their part. What I want everyone to understand is that as parents, siblings, spouses, friends, people walking down the street, we all have a roll in this epidemic. Awareness and education is where we start as a community, will you join me?
Please help be a voice for our children or friends who are suffering, alone. Share my blog with your friends. Invite them to my social media. Sign up for newsletters. Anything. I am going to continue to share my thoughts… my regrets… things I learned along the way here on this new site- amydurham.me.
Jeff and I continue to walk with men in recovery thru Alec’s Foundation with Tea and Cake Addiction Recovery. We constantly having new conversations and learning new things to share with you. I believe, together we can make a difference.