You know the feeling you get when you see your kiddo doing something that just makes you so darn proud… like when your 3-year-old poops in the potty… or how about when you pull in the driveway and realize your teenager took the trash cans back up without reminding him 14 times… or maybe your 3rd grader has a big part in the school play and all your people came to watch the performance??
This moment like several others, we tell as many people as we possibly can… times you think to yourself, wow, he/she is growing up so fast and turning into such a fine young man/woman. Personally, I give my child credit for those accomplishments since they worked hard, made good choices and earned acknowledgement.
On the flip side there are also some not so pride filled moments- you know the “Non Insta-worthy moments”. Imagine, that same 3-year-old pees in your house plant. Or your dramatic 2nd grader tells his teacher to “yeah, yeah, keep your shirt on” when asked to do something. Remember that teenager who on Tuesday you thought was so responsible with the trash cans, well, on Friday he gets caught drinking, underage… Yes, ALL true and are all moments I had hoped people never heard about. These are the moments we feel people will judge US, the parents if they knew.
Why is it that when my children do “good”, I know it was totally their inner greatness? However when they screw up, I immediately start to think, what did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? It is obvious I really suck at this mom thing- and all those other moms have it figured out.
Sitting in a conference with Alec’s 2nd grade teacher (yes, the one he told to “keep her shirt on”, her) I apologized for him. Over the years I continued to apologize to many more teachers for missing assignments, skipping class, etc.… but one finally said to me, you do not need to apologize for his actions, he is responsible for him. If so, then why did I feel so… guilty? I taught him how to act, told him to do his homework and disciplined him… So, where did I go wrong?
At what point can we as parents let go of “THEIR actions” as “OUR actions”?
When will his actions be just that, HIS actions- and HIS responsibility??
Our society lends us to believe we all need to be perfect and so do the kids that we raise… or at the very least “mess free”.
Unfortunately, I am a part of that society… or at least I was. Several years ago, I had gotten my sweet little girl dressed for pre-school. Oh my goodness!! She was so stinkin’ cute!! Monogramed shirt, Matilda Jane ruffle pants, matching bow in her cute little curly hair… picture perfect and ready for our perfect, mess-free day!! As I pulled my suburban mom minivan out of the driveway to our pristine Christian preschool, I see my not so precious 20-year-old son lying on the neighbor’s lawn, passed out, drunk…. It was 8:30 in the morning!! I wish I were kidding… I was mortified!!
There it was, my dirty laundry all over the neighbors front lawn for the world to see! All I could do was keep driving so my innocent, “perfect” daughter didn’t see him… and pray. Pray that no one else had seen him! Fumbling for my phone, hands shaking, somehow, I hit send. One ring. Two rings. Thankfully, my husband, Jeff, answered to my stern voice on the other end, “Get in your truck and drive- NOW!” – of course he wanted to know why…. I told him to “just do it, you will see Alec. Please hurry. I have to get Layla to school”. All I could think was that I needed to save him, save us, from people seeing him… if they hadn’t already.
That day, I didn’t think about what I had done wrong, instead I thought how much longer can I hide this? Here we are with my “dirty laundry” literally on the front lawn!! Accepting that I was the mom of an addict, I had surrendered my control over his actions as part of my recovery process. In my head and words, but could I live it?? Could I do it in my actions? He was 20 years old and was in the middle of his addiction. There was nothing I could do… nothing but love him.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch your child suffer and know there is nothing you can do except give it to God? I do. Being a “good mom” to an addict goes against every instinct you have. All of them. If you know the parent of an addict, or a recovering addict, give them some credit and a whole lot of grace. We are desperately trying to cope and hide our reality at the same time for two reasons. One, so that our addict is not judged or shamed. Two, so that you do not judge us.
Most of us who live this nightmare, did not ask for this, nor do we just “allow it” to continue. We fight in silence. Often we fight alone. When our children are in the depths of their addictions- it consumes them. They lose themselves, but that does not mean we need to apologize for them. We are responsible for our actions, and they are responsible for theirs. They need to make their own apologies to become responsible for themselves at some point. (This goes for all our grown children- high schoolers, college students, young adults- all of them, addicts or not.)
Let me leave this thought with you… If you, (a person on the outside) knows about someone’s addiction, there is no telling how long they (the addict and the family member) have been dealing with it- alone. My pile of dirty laundry got so big, it built for years. When people came into my life, I just shut the door… avoiding conversation that would have opened a door to “expose” my messy secret in my “perfect” suburban life.
Go. Help your friends with her laundry instead of just watching it pile up. They need you with a non-judgmental shoulder to lean on. Give them a hug or an encouraging note. She is exhausted from living two lives- the one life she tells you about in passing, the picture-perfect one with a perfectly placed bow. Then there is the one she hides in the laundry room with the door closed- ashamed and afraid! Invite yourself into your friends laundry room, I bet she would appreciate someone telling her it is not her fault, she did not cause this nor can she control it- it is a disease… and take her a new plant since her kid could have peed in the last one!