When our kids are little, we train ourselves to believe we are responsible for their every step, food choice, action at school and play on the field. That we are responsible for their happiness, their successes and their failures. As moms, we want to be everything for our children. We want to teach them to walk, holding their hand the entire way and immediately fix it when they fall… even into adulthood. We train ourselves to believe if we miss the smallest detail, or they suffer the tiniest bit, then we must be bad parents… or is this it just me?
Often when they fail, we feel as if we have failed. For example, when my son would fail a test, my immediate thought was, “I did not study enough with him, it was my fault, and his teachers are going to blame me”… It took me several years to realize, that was not my grade! It was his. He was in high school. He knew he had the test; He knew to study… so, that “F” he made on his test… that was ALL HIM!! Yet, somehow I still felt as if I failed that test. As if it was my fault that my 16-year-old failed HIS test. That I somehow have failed as a mom. Maybe I have failed as a mom (that is still up for debate), but I promise you, I did not fail that test!
In our culture I think we parents put so much pressure on ourselves to be everything to our children and for children… but that is not realistic. Take some pressure off yourself. You cannot do everything or be everyone for your kids, especially the older they get.
As my sweet baby boy, Alec, grew into a man, he faced struggles bigger than I could have ever imagined. I did not know what to do or how to do it, but I tried. I tried to handle it alone, within the walls of our home (before anyone found out). After several “incidents” Jeff and I realized we had a problem bigger than us and we needed help. We needed someone who had been there, done that… and hopefully bought the t-shirt. We needed a community who could help us navigate with no judgments, only support and strength from those like us.
It took a while, but I realized, I had raised my son and had done for him all that I possibly could. I could no longer be his everything- his fixer- his savior. I could only be the mom who loves him thru it all and support him when he was ready. I had to trust him to take charge of HIS life, not micromanage and obsess over each turn and valley.
When I said, I could “only” be his mom… know that is not a bad thing. No one else gets that honor. I have my own role in his life, front row, cheering him on, loving him like no one else ever can. No matter how difficult, that is the unique honor God granted me with.
There are so many people who can pour into our children, just like there are so many people who can pour into us as parents. I have so many different communities that I am a part of that help get me thru life… and Alec found his communities as well.
We must pray they gravitate towards the healthy communities with people who build them up… not tear them down. We need to lead by example, and show them what independence, not co-dependence, looks like.
Let go of their hand, show them we are strong. More importantly it shows them they are strong. Teach them to be independent in achieving things they want in life for themselves. Yes, they may fall and that is ok. Let them pick themselves back up and figure it out for themselves… if you have done your job, they know you will be there when they are ready for your help.