It’s official, I am no longer a playdate organizer. I no longer complain about the dolls and accessories all over the playroom or crayons stuffed places they never should have been. Now, I am an Uber driver for a preteen girl who “hangs” with friends and ask to go to Starbucks for a “Refresher”.
How did I get demoted from scheduling playdates with other moms to allowing her to “hang” with friends so fast? This is one of those transitions in life I have known about, I have lived with 2 other kiddos, but didn’t realize it would come so fast with her, my baby.
Some transitions I felt could not get here fast enough, like outgrowing the car seat… that was a “good riddance” moment for sure. Or how about potty training! We encourage this milestone, until one day I was in the Publix checkout line, my buggy full of groceries on the conveyer belt, patiently waiting for the gentleman in front of me to finish his transaction. Out of nowhere my 3-year-old yells “I have to go. NOW”! Having seen that urgency look before, I knew she meant “NOW” not in 3 minutes. Sighing, I realize the bathroom is on the other side of the store and I am next. UGH!! When this happened, I thought to myself, I should put a diaper back on her when we go to stores, so that way we can do the bathroom thing on my schedule, not hers. Seriously, great idea!! I felt so smart!! No, I don’t think I actually did it, but sure seemed like a good idea!!
Sounds easy enough, right!? Wrong! It is so dad-gum hard!!! Like so hard!! Watching them fail, watching them struggle. What kind of mom does that? As parents w feel the need to catch them before they fall or swoop in an save them even into their adult years- trust me, I know. I did it for years. Heck, I still continue to do it more than I like to admit. I still send that “secret email” to the teacher about a question Layla should ask her… I still clean her room when she complains too much so I do not have to hear her whine. Besides, I do it faster and better anyway. Yes, I know I shouldn’t, but what harm is it really doing?
Right now, at 9 years old, it’s not doing much harm except teaching her that if she waits long enough, I will do it for her. It also teaches her that I do not believe she can do it on her own. Ouch!
Has your teenager ever gotten a speeding ticket? Did you pay that ticket for them, or did they work and pay the fees them self? What about if your adult-ish child calls for you to cover the charges on their bank overdraft fees, multiple times, even though you know they make enough money not to have over drafts? Do you pay them out of debt? Here is a harder one, what if they got arrested for drinking and driving? Will you rush to the jail as fast as possible, because you don’t want him with “criminals”, or will you make him sweat it out for a while?
Facing the little consequences as youngsters builds a basis for the decisions our children will make in bigger situations. It teaches them responsibility for their actions. It will help you grow a little faith in your child that they can make the right decisions. If they don’t, it will allow them to know you love them, regardless and you believe in them to figure it out.
I talk about letting them fail with the little problems… yes, it is to teach them to do for themselves, but it is also practice for you as the parent to step back and allow them to do the right thing.
Yes, it is hard to watch them make the small mistakes that you can easily “fix” for them… its even harder to watch the mistakes they make that you cannot fix for them. The whole “let go, let God” mentality is hard to do… but sometimes that is all you got. With Alec, it was all I had at times during his active addiction years, and it sucked! Our heads and hearts don’t always communicate.
As Alec went further and further in his addiction, it was so hard to watch and not be able to do anything. I tried and tried and my heart hurt. It began to take a tole on my mental and physical being. I had to distance myself from him for the rest of my family, but also for my own personal health and sanity. It felt so unnatural and wrong, but it was what I had to do. It is what I needed to do.
Early in our journey, at the age of 18, Alec was transitioning out of his first addiction treatment center, back into the “real world”. Jeff, Alec and I sat down with a transition counselor about a week ahead of time to discuss next steps and create a contract between us and him.
To this day, I still remember how appalled I was when the counselor looked me directly in the eyes and said, “Mom, Alec has to set up all his own appointments.” Um, no! I’m his mom and I am supposed to do that. Who do you think you are anyway? Obviously, you are unqualified, and I need to speak to your manager, Karen.
No, I did not say that. Instead, I quietly responded, “He has never done that before, I’m not sure he can. Really, I don’t mind doing it.”
Putting me in my place real fast she said, “No, he CAN do it. We have given him all the phone numbers and information he needs. If he wants it, he will do it. If he needs a ride, you can assist with that IF he asks you.”
I began to panic, “But he’s only 18”.
“Yes, and he will be 19 next month. He was old enough and resourceful enough to get himself all the alcohol and what ever else he wanted, I am confident he’s old enough to get the help he wants too.” She was right. He could do all these “other things” I didn’t think he could do. Therefore, I had to back off and trust that he could do this too- if he wanted to. There is the tricky part… I always thought I could want it enough for him and it would be ok. At this point, I had to accept he was in control, I was not. I did not like that feeling… just like when he was in middle school, I could do the projects, but he still had to take the test on his own.
Guess what, he did all the things. He made appointments and kept a calendar. Earned money for HIS probation fees. Complained about how messy his roommates were and cooked good dinners for himself on a budget. ALL because HE wanted it and I allowed him to.
So just like I am no longer a “playdate organizer”, I stopped being my grown addict’s personal assistant. Yes, it was hard to cut the cord… especially when it’s all you have ever done. It is a transition for us as mothers, and for our children. If we do it gradually, it will be easier… at least that is what I am telling myself.
After all that babbling, the point is… it is better to let them fail on the small things. The goal is they will learn how to fix their own problems, build trust in themselves to do so and know that you will love them unconditionally, no matter what!
Thank you all for allowing me to share my heart as I reflect on my time with Alec throughout our life together… I still learn from him daily as I revisit my memories with him- the good ones and the bad ones.